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 Raid Review: Star Trek Online |
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Jan 24, 2010 - 10:03 PM - by The Panty Raider
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The next generation of bad MMO's
Star Trek Online
I was one of the "lucky" thousands who managed to get their hands on a Star Trek Online beta key, and seeing as how the game is being released in a week I have seen just about everything the game has to offer in terms of content, and the world underwhelmed would be an understatement. Star Trek Online is so bad, so utterly despicable that it sails completely beyond my bar for bad game rating that it has reached a critical mass of fucking bad design and retarded development decisions.
Firstly however, lets get the glitches and inadvertent problems out of the way. Firstly, the game is buggier than hell. After the first day I found that when beaming up to my ship or down to the planet that the server would become confused and forget where I was and where I intended to go. Every jump from space to planet was handled so poorly that the odds of my spawn becoming fucked up was greater than that of a coin flip. This wasn't just a graphical error where I beamed down to the planet and still looked like a ship, I literally was still a fucking ship. All the ship controls, abilities, and physics are still functioning as I try to navigate around the planet. Of course the addition of gravity to a control set that is supposed to operate without gravity renders what was once coherent controls into a fumbling mess that is like trying to navigate with a broken madcatz flightstick. Whats sad is that this is the favorable of the possible spawn fuck ups that you could encounter. Spawning as a human in space is a far greater problem, because while your ship gets fucked by the sudden addition of gravity, spawning as a human comes with the fortuitous ability of bringing your own gravity with you. If you thought that falling through the world in WoW was bad, try falling in space. If you are lucky enough to have a planet beneath you to stop you, count your blessings that you will only die. This can last up to a minute before the server realizes that is has fucked up in a colossal way, and 60 seconds at terminal velocity is a lot of ground to make up at the frustratingly slow pace your starship will creep at.
Speaking of spawning glitches, lets talk about them in PvP. Firstly, the... [Read More]
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You can't fight here! Take it to 2 Fort |
23 Replies | 744 Views
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Raid Review: Bayonetta |
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Jan 08, 2010 - 8:00 PM - by The Panty Raider
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Thank God for that thong, otherwise I would be fucking offended
Bayonetta
I was kind of torn between what to blow my hard earned Christmas gift card money on. With Mass Effect 2 already reserved and no desire to play with androgynous tweenagers named "Lightning Blitz" from Square I only had two real choices, Darksiders or Bayonetta. Seeing as how I have already played as War in the Greek sense I decided to opt for something a little different and play a hack 'n slash about the Strippers of Salem. The first thing which may come to mind when looking at Bayonetta is that it is a Devil May Cry clone, which doesn't make much sense to me seeing that the game director is Hideki Kamiya, the creator of DMC, so this is akin to a woman walking in on his husband masturbating and calling him a cheating whore. Coincidentally this is probably how the game concept was first created.
I often grade video games on a very loose set of criteria, however one of the most important things for a game to possess is an identity. If a game is being designed without a strong concept of what it is supposed to be then you are likely going to see a sub-par video game muddled in confusion. That is one positive point that Bayonetta has, it knows exactly what it is supposed to be, bat shit insane. The best way to describe this game would be "Over the top by design". All the cut scenes, the dialogue, the levels, and story progression all move along the path of escalation, each encounter being more flamboyant and excessive than the last. The game play, enemies, and levels are varied enough to keep a player interested while not straying far from the overall atmosphere of the game. From fighting on the crumbling remains of a skyscraper to surfing on an ICBM in a 3d aerial shooter (complete with Raiden styled "An intruder is approaching" boss warnings) everything maintains this bizarre campy feeling like you are in a modernized 1960's Batman episode.
Bayonetta's story revolves around the a witch who struck a deal with the devil to kill God's messengers in exchange for life, your primary contact and supplier, Rodin, runs a bar called The Gates of Hell (Har Har I see what you did there). After receiving information on a gem you are interested... [Read More]
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You can't fight here! Take it to 2 Fort |
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7 Replies | 557 Views
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 Blip's Old Shitty Game Review - Secret of the Stars |
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Jan 05, 2010 - 11:00 PM - by Ffffrrruuuunkus!
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Since everyone else reviews new games, I'll review old ones. Mostly because I'm cheap.
Today I bring to your attention Tecmo's dirty little secret: Secret of the Stars aka "An abomination and borderline criminal offense"
Premise
Secret of the Stars is about some kid named Ray and four other equally unimportant people who make up Aqutallion; a group that comes together to defeat the evil (what else?) Homncruse, who apparently wants to destroy the world for no particular reason. The kids all had fathers in Aqutallion and are born under a "mysterious destiny" (pretty much everything in the game is described as "mysterious"), and are assisted by an even more useless band of idiots called the Kustera, which is a separate party that you can control and serves no purpose whatsoever in the main quest.
Story
The plot of Secret of the Stars are about as thin as the chances of a quadriplegic midget playing for the NBA, with virtually no character development whatsoever. A character will join the party saying something like "You are Aqutallion? Me too! I will join you! We beat Homncruse!", and not much else, if anything, afterward.
Furthermore, the translation is hilariously awful. Thought the PS1 translation of Final Fantasy Tactics was bad? That my friends, was the complete unabridged works of Shakespeare compared to this dreck in text form. BY THE WAY THE WHOLE GAME READS LIKE THIS.
If a barely existent plot and annoying capital letters weren't enough of a deterrent, there's also atrocious grammar and punctuation, misused words, and awkward sentence structures as well (f.e. "past" away, "fateful doom" and "Chainmale"). The characters also have a habit of saying "however" and "anyway" alot, and usually completely out of place.
As said earlier, everything from islands to buildings to people are described as "mysterious", and yes, that's just about the only adjective used throughout the entire game. Not even the town and enemy names could escape this cruel fate. With foes such as "catboo", "badbad" and "Bingo", and locations such as "Jeep Mountain", "Giant" and "Old Tunnel" (despite it being freshly dug), you can rest assured that even if you fast forward through all the... [Read More]
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0 Replies | 353 Views
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 (Review, PC/360) The Last Remnant |
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Jan 05, 2010 - 12:34 AM - by Jeff Highwind
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The D-Pad Presents
The Last Remnant
Made by Square-Enix
I find myself looking back on both my tastes and habits when it comes to gaming genres. While I agree that legitimately good games like Half Life 2 or Blazblue are fun to play I often find myself punching myself in the dick by going back to jRPGs, a genre that really hasn't evolved since the advent of 3d gaming. Even if the game is obnoxiously hard and hated by most reviewers, I'll find myself picking it up eventually and either beating it or just letting it gather dust. With that, Last Remnant.
So yeah, Last Remnant. Story focuses on Rush Skyes, the bastard child of S-E developers, a dartboard and random dictionary pages. In a world where gigantic doomsday artifacts called Remnants litter the world, Rush's sister gets randomly kidnapped one day so he decides to join an army in order to gather clues. Yep, typical Square-Enix plot. Then again if you are playing a S-E game for the story then you have got to be smoking something peculiar.
Initial impressions were a bit mixed. Since the game initially laid on the jrpg stereotypes quite heavily it was easy to feel a bit jaded from seeing the same stuff over and over again. Music was alright, as per S-E's standard of holding Nobuo Umetasu's family at gunpoint. Art direction was rather interesting as well, considering one thing that sticks out is that the anime formula for design was abandoned for a more western feel to the game. It actually felt refreshing to see such a drastic change from the usual jrpg design of belts everywhere to more european looks. One could even propose that if RUSH SKYES didn't exist, you could market this game as a western rpg.
Gameplay was a mixed bag as well. The plot is extremely linear since S-E apparently had their brainstorming team executed at gunpoint after FF9 and replaced them with FF7 fans. Sidequests litter every town in the game, which are nice as a set of challenges, distractions and character development but its a bit of an Achilles heel on the games part since they are all irrelevant either way. You can customize weapons and armor using loot from combat but for some stupid reason you can't directly equip it to anyone other than RUSH SKYES, but if you happen to have an item... [Read More]
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6 Replies | 559 Views
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Shinra Online
